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12/05/2014

沒有男人的女人們

看完村上春樹的《沒有女人的男人們》,我心裡浮現的困惑是,愛一個人的最初,怎麼好像在愛了之後,就越來越禁不住考驗了?

或者,應該說,愛一個人其實沒有想像中那麼深的愛。
無論是什麼樣的起頭,其實都沒有想像中那麼深。
因為愛再多再久,依然會有盲點。

而突破所謂的盲點,只有一個辦法。
就是思考愛本身。

然而盲點不是想看見,就能看見的,往往是在沒有注意的時候,才知道自己有盲點。
所以要能夠進入,思考愛的盲點這個階段,也不是很順利就可以進入。
或許,走在愛的路上,擔心害怕的都是這個盲點,不知道什麼時候會出現。
然而,年紀較長的,回味起盲點的瞬間,表情卻很兩極。
一種可能是盲點被處理得恰好,一種是盲點處理得不進理想,
甚至,盲點在哪裡,也不知道。

俗話說,解決問題不難,難就難在我們不知道問題在哪。

女人被認為是,容易隨便地假設問題就在那裡。
而如果有一天,女人不被認為是,隨便假設問題的那一方,
男人也不再是,認為女人是隨便地假設問題,
那樣的光景是什麼呢。

我假設X小姐是一個有長期交往對象的女人,
她也符合,不隨便地假設問題。
甚至,她不認為她和他之間存在有什麼問題好了。
這──也不像是一個理想的狀態啊。
Y先生和X小姐再一起這麼久了,他自認並不是真的了解X小姐。
可是,他卻認為,X小姐是真的很懂他。

X認為這一切都,合理的存在著。
Y認為,即使不很了解她,一切也會如他所希望的進行下去。
直到,
Y發現,X常常假設,這當中沒有什麼問題的話,那麼我們就是如此這般這般。
好像有什麼不對勁。
換句話說,X的沒有問題,是她假設出來的。
X則是說,我不希望愛情裡還需要假設有問題。
我相信你所說的一切,都是我想像中最好的。
所以不應該有任何問題。
Y沉默了。
慢慢的,他吐出一句話:

「我其實沒有你假設的那麼完美。」

X不知道要說什麼。

只有上帝知道,他所說的,和她所假設的,
已經越來越不同了。



3/15/2011

Lover, to the letter

親愛的Justin,

昨天是相識滿三個月,對我來說,再一次對另一個人像這樣數著認識多少天的日子已經是好久以前的事。也許更應該這麼說吧:我以為我再也不會這樣數日子了。

你說過,這是我最後一次為另一個人這麼做了。
而你,會是最後的那一個人。

起初,我是一點都不相信你的這句話。畢竟我們認識還不到一年,你能有甚麼把握你所說的將會成真?可能性極其低,說著這句話就像是安慰我一樣,而我也欣然地接受你的安慰。

後來我提起你說的話,也坦白告訴你我當時的心情,
你只板著一臉微微的不悅說,
我是認真的。

或許是我對自己在“相信愛”的這方面太過naive,漸漸我失去信心,也不再想有信心。而單純把“相信愛”作為哲學議題來學習,雖然在現實世界多了一份遺憾,在心靈層次卻多一份滿足感。因此,我決定接受只有心靈世界的愛情,可惜的是,那個世界只有我自己知道。

然後,你陪著我讀我想讀的柏拉圖,以及那本關於愛情在婚姻關係裡的種種困惑,committed,我不像你英文那麼好,你就讀給我聽,好像活體翻譯機。:DDD
殊不知,你所做的事情,每一件都是在告訴我,你是認真的。
因為,你相信我所接受的心靈上的愛情,不是只有我一個人知道。

Well,Justin,在那個神奇的十字路口,你打開我的心結,我才明白在你我之間沒有甚麼是可以衡量的,也沒有甚麼叫做只有我才瞭解的世界。

因為你就站在這個世界裡,而我只是現在才明白。

然後,我開始了一連串忙碌的學業和工作之間必須取得平衡點的生活,我發現這樣的生活真的相當累人,但我卻沒給自己甚麼機會去細想一切的發生和可能的後果。我得說,如果你所相信的是真的,而你相信我所相信的一切,that is, I believe what you believe, perhaps, you will slowly and surely see that it is not the final destination which you are meant to see, but the fruits and flowers reaped along the journey that will satisfy the soul.

於是,我們建築了比心牆更簡單的理論,只是一座你可以看得見我的橋梁,只要你願意,無論是我心中的窗或是祕密,你相信你所看見的就會是我心裡所相信的。



Happy White Day and small anniversary for us :)


                                                                                              Yours, Susan

3/05/2011

mysterious corner

愛的十一分鐘》:



"有些人在愛這方面天賦異稟, 不過多數人都必須重新學習, 才能回想起愛的方式。而所有的人都無法免俗, 必須將過往情感當作落葉來焚燒, 以部分歡樂與憂傷、某些高潮與低潮, 直到能看出每次邂逅背後的連線;因為背後總是有跡可循。

之後我們的肉體學會了靈魂的語言, 一般稱之為性愛。讓靈魂重新回到我肉體的男人, 儘管他不清楚自己對我生命的重要性, 我還是要以性愛回報他。他如此要求我, 我就以此回報;我希望他幸福快樂。"

       這一小段在我心裡留下了烙印般,每當我必須回顧過往,尤其是對"愛"這一對象的深刻理解,我就必須將它拿出來再想一遍、一遍、又一遍。Well,我相信,將過往的回憶當作燃料,幾乎是知識上不可免的事實,也就是說,透過曾經學習過的一切,我就能夠再一次經歷過去及企圖抓住那些我所遺漏的想法。
      而將"愛"作為一個知識來學習,比照我對於哲學理論的學習歷程,似乎都是艱辛而有許多感慨。無論是在物理世界中尋找屬於自己的想法,還是作為lover去學習愛,這路都一樣漫長。這一路都必須慢慢獲得,慢慢培養強而有力的心靈。

"Philosophy being nothing else but the study of Wisdom and Truth, it may with reason be expected that those who have spent most time and pains in it should enjoy a greater calm and serenity of mind, a greater clearness and evidence of knowledge, and be less disturbed with doubts and difficulties than other man."_____Berkeley

      或許是因為太早去回想,有時候就以為已經過了一年,畢竟那些只屬於記憶中的片斷影像並沒有辦法照著時間軸一件件在腦海裡呈現它們之間的關連。因此我說,這些是有關於情感上的記憶。抽象的形狀和不屬於這個世界的顏色,還有溫度,而我一點也不懷疑這些都只是情感上的一小部分而已。
      換個角度來說,一切都是靜止的。

      畫面會停留在情感最強烈的時候,進一步的人會企圖留住諸如此類的情感,所以構作出只有一個人看得見、唯一的單位。如果數學家將自己的情感放進了那樣的集合裡面,我想哲學家也不會意外去發現只有數學能夠寫出的語言,畢竟在那樣的世界裡,所有東西都會成為一類的總合,這和日常語言能理解的世界是非常遙遠的。
      
      Human understanding of knowledge couldn't be just a form of passion,單靠日常語言所能表達的意思應該只能算是情感的子集合,而最重要的是,不是因為情感的來源才表達了語言的意義,這麼說想必是非常不具體的,但很不幸的,意義只能用最確定為真的情感元素來組成。


2/10/2011

重讀愛

就像愚蠢的人都會說的話:「早知道的話,我就不會...。」

早知道X的話,我就不會相信X而且還自以為我是對的。
早知道愛的話,我就不會輕易相信「愛」。

Well,每當想到這裡,令人討厭的自信心會告訴我,
如果不是你認為對的事,你也就不會相信了,
何況妳是已經知道了。

也許人就是那麼蠢,所以才會不相信自己認為是對的事,....
就在我一遍遍地看著自己,在燈光下重覆把自己的心寫進另一個人身體裡,
著實地,我也一次次感覺到自己的愚蠢。
畢竟我也只能用這麼粗糙的方是去尋找那個所謂神奇的時刻,
好比我回首過去的記憶時,才有所謂的時刻,
那些現在我所看見和感受到的都不真實。

漸漸的,我就會知道,你所謂的神奇,
在我看過的柏拉圖世界,還有那個天堂,
都是成為回憶的片段,
然後,
夠幸運的話,我們當然地就看得見很普通的永遠。

1/19/2011

Love born from the hell

Love's not time's fool, 
though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

But this true love of the mind cannot exist between two souls, until
they are purified from the grossness of earthly passion: they must pass
through a time of trial and conflict first; in the language of religion
they must be converted or born again. Then they would see the world
transformed into a scene of heavenly beauty; a divine idea would
accompany them in all their thoughts and actions.


1/07/2011

a New Heaven

Ture love, true statement, any thing about true,

任何和真有關的事物,在某ㄧ個時刻下,都成了我最愛的東西。
從那時候起,我相信,如果我確實地愛上了一個男人,
我想把最好的以及最愛的東西留給他。

因為我曾經很嚮往的感覺,引導我
逐漸的,
和這些我最愛和最珍貴的事物,
一起變得越來越稀薄。

因而我學會運用我一直不擅長的理性,
逼自己學會,逼自己運用它。
那不是我天生的東西。
至少在我身上,我知道自己不是個理性的人。
但也不是非理性的人。

慢慢地在我建築的beauty世界裡,沒有那些運用理性的事情,
因為根本不需運用,那個世界就一直都是如此,
我看得見,沒有理性和非理性的世界,我嚮往的地方。
我發現這件事,我感到沒有甚麼能比得上的快樂。

美的事物引導我看見了愛,
這份愛和我所愛的男人無關,
但是,
因為嚮往那樣的感覺,
所以我想給他那樣的感覺,如果我確實地愛上了他。
如果我愛上了他,那

我願意學習愛,用我自認為不夠聰明的大腦,
觀察任何,我能理解的愛...

並且期待著愛情。

*                                   *                                            *

這些我最初的想法,為了我還活著這件事,
我一直都無法改變它們。
即便陷入了無止盡的苦惱,
還有肉體上和精神上的疼痛,
我無法欺騙自己,或是藉著欺騙自己而不再苦惱,
做不到。

那時唯一我所能想到不再苦惱的方法,
就是讓自己慢慢的放棄,
悲傷的也是這裡,我沒有放棄期待愛情,
而是放棄了我所想的愛。
因為,我看見,對某些人來說,
愛,和愛情,
在這個世界裡是一樣的。

我便不再相信愛。

但是我可以信仰愛情,因為愛情需要愛的證成和愛情本身的真信念,
這是人本來就會做的事情。
在這個世界的規律下,信仰愛情,
便是符合了大家的遊戲規則。

沒有愛,也無所謂。
失去翅膀,遠離我看見的beauty世界,
對現實上的生活來說,無所謂。
我的夢想是和我愛的人在一起,沒有夢想,
無所謂。

*                                   *                                                 *

不可思議的事,
這感覺就像在stonehenge駐足時,
時間像另一個世界的東西,
和我距離好遠。

說不出口的知覺經驗,就是我說的
不可思議的事。

天啊,
那個在我心裡讀了千遍萬遍的神話,
不可思議的,
被理解了。

有什麼比得上一棵從石縫中長出的野花,
因為露水而含羞的樣子,來得更美的呢?




OMG ...

12/21/2010

壓抑著的離別

隔著出境大廳的玻璃牆,手在上面感覺不到任何溫度。
我忍著這個感覺,搭上機場客運,
在車上,無助的感覺讓我哭著睡著了。

坦白說,人可以為這種離別改變甚麼?

我一直相信,只不過是時空差異,每個地方都有時空差異,
大小和程度的分別而已。
我的傷心,和這個世界的規律相比之下,無意義多了。
因此,我才能坦然面對事實。

而在這個離別的現實下,人的世界比這個真正的世界悲傷許多。
因為看不清現實,欺騙自己這個世界的規律不是真相,
所以才尋找更近距離,好像更容易獲得的愛情...

最重要的是,想要用任何他所付出的一切當作鎖住一個人的藉口。
犧牲妳的人生,為我選擇吧。
這不是愛。

這不是愛,
因為這不是愛,所以我才感到痛苦。

11/15/2010

Enjoy the silent


All my feeling besides trivial things
All what I love could put in my heart
All I need in my mind
All things I suffered in goes to the world
The worlds all bothers me

I can know the beauty in your eyes
That's been so beautiful that watermark can reflect moon's imagine
Even I can't grasp
Painful I don't wanna, though
It's still real been too much
I know it is
It is what's really swinging swinging
Like your voice
Voice and smile shinning shinning
How I love you, as river just gonna to her sea
Where that she can find a place
No bothering thing
No marriages
No genders
No one will know

11/03/2010

tough girl


Here you said, hey girl
Why so tough as you are, where are your tears?


Your mind looks so sweet, so light, as a sun,
Why so tough you are?


As you said,
Hey, girl, you don't know them,
They are chatting what you are, you are a girl,
You will depressed if you know everything as the facts they done,
I can tell you anything what you want to know,


Just follow me,


I can tell you, everything.


Hey, girl,
You don't need to choose,
Here is a beautiful, lovely lover you see,
He knows you well, as you want to be with him forever.
He knows everything as you hope so.




She said,
Dear mine, tough girl,
Yep, you are,
As I know as you are.


But
Not everything were going as your thought,
What's in my mind,
What's the wind, my cloud, and soul,
You don't know them.
We are in the same point as you see,
I will die, one day and so do you,
You can't be around me forever,
I know that it is fact.


Even I love you,


I couldn't be around with you forever,
That's why I become a tough girl,
I know I will be alone one day, and I prepare for the day,
The feminists, what I done,
As to ask me to say sorry to you,


What is love, you are,
It is not what you do, but what you believe, 
Until I could see the cloud in haven,
I still believe you as my knowledge,
I will love you until I become the soul around the Plato's haven.



1/02/2010

Little prince and the fox


it was then that the fox appeared.

那時,狐狸出現了。

"good morning" said the fox.

"早安。"

"good morning" the little prince responded politely

"早安,"小王子溫和地說,

altho when he turned around he saw nothing.

但是他轉頭回答時沒看到任何人。

"I am right here" the voice said, "under the apple tree."

"我在這裡,"那個聲音說"在蘋果樹下。"

"who are you?" asked the little prince, and added,

"你是誰?"小王子問,

"You are very pretty to look at."

"而且你看起來真漂亮。"

"I am a fox", the fox said.

"我是狐狸,"狐狸說。

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince, "I am so unhappy."

"和我一起玩吧,"小王子提議 ,"我很不快樂。"

"I cannot play with you," the fox said, "I am not tamed."

"我不能和你一起玩,"狐狸說,

"我還沒有被馴服。"

"AH please excuse me," said the little prince.

"啊,抱歉!" 小王子說。

But after some thought, he added: "what does that mean---'tame'?"

但他想過之後,他問 " '馴服'是什麼意思?"

"you do not live here," said the fox, "what is it you are looking for?"

"你不是住這的人," 狐狸說,"你在找什麼?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean---tame?"

"我在找一個人," 小王子說。" '馴服'是什麼意思?'

"Men,"said the fox,

"人類,"

"they have guns, and they hunt.

It is very disturbing.

They also raise chickens.

These are their only interests.

Are you looking for chickens?"

"他們有槍,而且她們打獵。

她們也獵野雞。這是他們唯一在意的事。你也在找野雞嗎?"

"No," said the little prince.

"不"小王子說。

"I am looking for friends.

What does that mean---tame?"

"我在找我的朋友。" '馴服'是什麼意思?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox.

"It means to establish ties."

"這是常常被忽略的事," 狐狸說,"意思是建立關係。"

"To establish ties?"

"Just that," said the fox.

"to me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys.

And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me.

To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.

But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.

To me, you will be unique in all the world.

To you, I shall be unique in all the world. . ."

"好比我和你,對我來說,你和其他小男孩沒什麼不同,

我不需要你。而對你來說,你也不需要我。

對你來說,我和其他狐狸沒什麼不同。

但若你馴服了我,我們便會需要彼此。

對我來說,你會是世界上獨一無二的。

對你來說,我應該會是世界上獨一無二的..."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince.

"There is a flower. . . I think she has tamed me. . ."

"It is possible," said the fox.

"On earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh but this is not on the earth!" said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.

"On another planet?"

"Yes"

"Are there hunters on that planet?"

"No"

"Ah that's interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No"

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.

"沒有那些真是太好了",狐狸說。

But he came back to his idea.

"My life is very monotonous," he said.

"我的生活相當單調,"他說。

"I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike.

And in consequence, I am a little bored.

But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life.

I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others.

Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground.

Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow.

And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder ?

I do not eat bread.

Wheat is of no use to me.

The wheat fields have nothing to say to me.

And that is sad.

But you have hair that is the color of gold.

Think how wonderful that will be,

when you have tamed me!

The grain, which is also golden,

will bring me back the thought of you.

And I shall love to listen

to the wind in the wheat. . ."

"我獵野雞,人類獵我。所有的野雞看起來都差不多,獵我的人看起來也都差不多。我開始覺得很無趣。

但你若馴服了我,就彷彿有陽光照進我的生活,我會開始感覺這些事情的意義與以往不同。

當我為了躲避獵人而回到我的藏身處,

你就好像在叫我,你的聲音像是從洞口傳來的音樂。

看看那遠處的麥田---

我不吃麵包,麥子對我來說毫無用處。

麥田對我來說也毫無意義。也就是說,

因為你的頭髮是好看的金黃色,

一旦你馴服了我,

而麥田,也是金黃色的,

那會使我想到你。

那麼,我想我將會愛上傾聽,微風吹拂麥田的聲音..。"


The fox gazed at the little prince,

for a long time.

"Please---tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied.

"But I have not much time.

I have friends to discover,

and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames,"

said the fox.

" Men have no more time to understand anything.

They buy things all ready made at the shops.

But there is no shop anywhere

where one can buy friendship,

and so men have no friends any more.

If you want a friend, tame me. . ."

"人類總是沒有多餘的時間,因為要學習所有的事。

他們獲取所有商店的東西。

但是商店的東西是無所不在的,沒有一處買得到友情,

因此人們無法獲得友情。

假如你希望得到朋友,馴服我吧...。"

"What must I do, to tame you? asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox.

First you will sit down at a little distance from me-like that-in the grass.

I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye,

and you will say nothing.

Words are the source of misunderstandings.

But you will sit a little closer to me,

every day..."

"首先,你必須坐得來我遠一點,就像現在這樣,在草地上。

我會在我眼裡看到一點點的你,

而你什麼也不必說。

話語總是誤解的來源。

但你應該坐得靠近我一點,

每天,一點一點地靠近我...。"


The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back

at the same hour," said the fox.

"If for example, you came at four o'clock

in the afternoon,

then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy.

I shall feel happier and happier

as the hour advances.

At four o'clock,

I shall be worrying and jumping about.

I shall show you how happy I am!

But if you come at just any time,

I shall never know at what hour

my heart is ready to greet you. . .

One must observe the proper rites. . ."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

" '儀式' 是什麼意思?" 小王子問。

"Those also are actions too often neglected,"

"這是幾乎被忽略的事情,"

said the fox.

狐狸說。

"they are what make one day

different from other days,

one hour different from other hours.

There is a rite, for example, among my hunters.

Every Thursday they danse with the village girls.

So Thursday is a wonderful day for me!

I can take a walk as far as the vineyards.

But if the hunters danced at just any time,

every day would be like

every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

"在那麼多天之中,有一天會和其他日子是很不同的,有些時刻和其他時刻是很不同的。

那時會有一場儀式,好比那些獵人,

每個星期四,他們會和村莊裡的女孩去跳舞,

那麼星期四對我來說就是特別的日子!

我可以像在葡萄園裡,想去哪裡就去哪裡,

但如果獵人每一天都去跳舞,

對我來說,每天就會是一樣的,

每天都和其他的日子一樣,那我就不會有任何假期了。"


So the little prince tamed the fox.

And when the hour of his departure drew near---

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince.

"I never wished you any sort of harm;

but you wanted me to tame you. . ."

"Yes that is so", said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!"

said the little prince.

"Yes that is so" said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox,

"because of the color of the wheat fields."

And then he added:

"go and look again at the roses.

You will understand now

that yours is unique in all the world.

Then come back to say goodbye to me,

and I will make you a present of a secret."

"回頭看看那玫瑰花。

你現在可以了解,你是這世界獨一無二的。

而你即將向我說再見,

我將會把你當作一個祕密而已。"

The little prince went away,

to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said.

"As yet you are nothing.

No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one.

You are like my fox when I first knew him.

He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.

But I have made a friend, and now he is unique in all the world."

"彷彿你什麼也不是。

沒有人馴服你,你也沒有馴服任何人。

你就像我第一次認識狐狸的時候。

他就像是其他狐狸。

但我現在有一個朋友,而他對我來說是這世界上獨一無二的。"


And the roses were very much embarrassed.


"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on.

"One could not die for you.

To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me.

But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses:

because it is she that I have watered;

because it is she that I have put under the glass globe;

because it is for her

that I have killed the caterpillars

(except the two or three we saved to become butterflies);

because it is she that I have listened to,

when she grumbled,

or boasted,

or even sometimes when she said nothing.

Because she is MY rose."

"你真美,但你卻很空虛。

沒有任何人願意為你而死,

當然,你就像我過去的那朵玫瑰,我的玫瑰。

在她心裡,她比其他像你一樣的玫瑰重要,

因為我天天為他澆水,我將她保護在玻璃罩底下,

為了她,我殺了毛毛蟲(除了那兩隻被我放生而成為蝴蝶的毛毛蟲),

我仔細聆聽她所有抱怨的事以及炫耀的事,

即使她的內容如此空洞。

只因為,她是我的玫瑰。"

And he went back to meet the fox.

"Goodbye" he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;

what is essential is invisible to the eye."


"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated,

so that he would be sure to remember.

" '看不見的事物'是什麼意思? " 小王子問,而且他會永遠記得。

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose

that makes your rose so important."

"就是你為了你的玫瑰所付出的時間,那些時間使得你的玫瑰變得如此重要。"

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince

so he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox.

"But you must not forget it.

You become responsible, forever,

for what you have tamed.

You are responsible for your rose. . ."

"人類會忘記這個道理,"狐狸說。

"但你會永遠記得。

你會變得負責,永遠地,為你所馴服的負責。

你將會為你的玫瑰負責..."

"I am responsible for my rose,"

the little prince repeated,

so that he would be sure to remember.


>>>>


我小學的時候,第一次看到這個故事,希望有一天能親自為這段故事做出翻譯。


十一年後,我終於這麼做了。 (笑)